Liabilty and a burden

Two things i fear being the most. Maybe that's why...

When does fear become too much? Not shutting the doors Or laying bricks i hope.

When i was younger, i thought i could change people, change situations. But as i grew older, i began to realise that these were all just wistful thinkings. The only person who needed change was probably me. I grew up, and i stopped.

The end.

Legally 21

So,

It's my 21st BUTTDAY (the doc spanked my butt when I was born, and I cried). Another year older, another year wiser. But I still feel the same.

Nope, I didn't have a big party to celebrate my 21st. Actually, as I grow older I kinda dislike the idea of having to entertain many groups (although most of them can entertain themselves). Instead, I had an almost a week long of of small birthday celebrations - starting with a surprise dinner at Lynn's with the other church friends, followed by dinner with secondary clique, lunch with Pegs and dinner with my uni ladies. On the Big day itself, lunch and movie with two of the people I cherish most.

I'VE JOIN THE CLUB! HOORAY!

Looking back at the past one year, I've learnt a few more things about myself. I've become more afraid of man, more afraid of responsibilities and even more afraid at not doing well. Maybe it's through all these things that God is making me less reliant of myself and more reliant on Him. I've become really dependent on Him.

To the me of the future (actually when you just so happen to reread this post), please know that the journey after being legal would not be easy as well. BUT HOLD ON TO GOD! When you lose all confidence in yourself, HOLD ON TO GOD. When men betray you and there's no one you trust, HOLD ON TO GOD. When you feel lonely, HOLD ON TO GOD.

Nothing's change, nothing's better. To the 21 year old me - hold on to God.

Oh man, this is such a depressing post. Shall end on a lighter note.

Just one of those days when you feel

"When's it my turn?" 

"Why's there nothing to watch?"

"Why is life a bore?"

Silly Rants

Sometimes I feel like the only time you talk to me is when you need help. Actually, that's about it. Like really, you say I miss you and the only reason thereabout is because of school work. I actually don't really mind it, but it saddens me when I know that that would probably be the one and only time you bother talking to me, on a personal level.

Then when you ask about how I'm doing. I answer with a prepared heart that you most probably won't reply after.

I already know but it still saddens me. My jealousy? Work? Life? All excuses. If you aren't really interested in knowing about my life, at least pretend to be. Because, it's really easy to tell when you aren't.

Then we plan to meet up and all, and you always fly my aeroplane.... I can only reply you with a sure, and then knowing this will never happen.

If you really want to meet up with someone, you'll make the effort to, no matter how busy you are.



Silly rants. Probably carry it in my heart till i tell it to you, which might never be. But till then. Sigh.

Back to studying.

Commitment vs Surrender

Excerpts from an article I read - Why I'm Not a Committed Christian (And Why that's a Good Thing)

 “When you make a commitment, you are still in control, no matter how noble the thing you commit to. One can commit to pray, to study the Bible, to give his money, or to commit to automobile payments, or to lose weight. Whatever he chooses to do, he commits to. But surrender is different. If someone holds a gun and asks you to lift your hands in the air as a token of surrender, you don’t tell that person what you are committed to. You simply surrender and do as you are told. . . . Americans love commitment because they are still in control. But the key word is surrender. We are to be slaves to the Lord Jesus Christ.”

Yep, mind blown. He continues in John 16...

Here, Jesus feeds five thousand people. Then, seeking solitude with God, He leaves the crowd. They followed him, expecting more miracles and food. Jesus challenged their motives and told them He was the only spiritual food they needed. Their reaction is enlightening:

            From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him.

            “You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve.

            Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of Israel.” —Jn. 6:66-69

             Before my head whacking, I interpreted this episode as a crisis between the uncommitted crowd and the committed few. I now saw it as the difference between the merely committed crowd and the surrendered twelve. The multitude was committed . . . to a point. The Bible even calls them disciples. They had simply reached the end of their commitment. In contrast, the Twelve were fully surrendered. As Peter expressed, they allowed themselves no alternative other than following Jesus: “Lord, to whom shall we go?”

Learning something new yet again.

Jesus, help me to surrender. Amen.

The chapter ends.

Wondering and pondering cease changes to anything.

This marks the end of yet another chapter.

"Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rests for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

Irresponsibility

So i figure the best way to reach out and express my feelings to reach out to the younger ones is through twitter...

Yes, im fuming mad. Honestly, he never learns...  at least call back to tell of whereabouts, and not leave those who are concern thinking whether you're dead or alive. 

To go or not to

While the care and concern starts pouring out, am I to just sit around and wait till words are said unto me?

Why does it take so much effort and heart to be in concern? Sigh...

Come come, relationship may fade away. Blood is thicker than water.

People may fail you, God's love never fail.

Feeling like im losing grip of things... i dont like this feeling.

Anchor

I have this hope,
As an anchor for my soul.
Through every storm,
I hold on to you.

There is hope in the promise of the cross,
You gave everything to save the world you love.
And this hope is an anchor for my soul,
Our God will stand

Unshakeable

Prayer

And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will rest upon you...

Walks

I love taking long walks.


But I guess, watching Captain America on TV wins long walk.

Dear heart,

Be still.

More of You.

Just one of those nights were emotions are on a whirl. I take my words back of not having mood swings!

Are you hungry for God? Are you thirsty for His word?

Something Minjie and Lynn said to me in the car on my way home made me teared a little.

God didn't say that the flowers will always be on the mountain top, but they can be found in the deep dark valley as well. Sometimes we have to be in the valley to truly appreciate and learn. I've been constantly reminded by the people around me.

When your mind and emotions are in a huge mess. Surrender them all to God. All to Jesus.

In the quiet, in the stillness
I know You are God.
Set a fire down to my soul,
That I can't contain, that I can't control
I want more of You, Lord.

What I've discovered bout myself

So, over the course of this year, I've learnt something big about myself - I'm quite a practical person.

I've no idea if it has the same meaning as being a realist or being pragmatic, but I guess it's about there? 

Slowly, I think I've transformed into someone who does things only if its practical. But I was never one who dare take risks, and I strongly believe that rules are created to be followed, unless it goes against my beliefs and principles. 

I guess it only comes to light and becomes much clearer after people ard you mention it. 

Here's to more self discovery journey. 

Cast me not away, from thy presence O God. 

Take not thy Holy Spirit from me.

Restore unto me, the joy of thy salvation.

And renew a right spirit within me. 

Give thanks to God for the truth - the things that has already happened and are right before your eyes. Give thanks for these things rather than what has not happened. Only then can you see and give thanks for the little blessings that God has placed in your lives. 

It's not whether we are getting bless through our worship but whether The Lord has been blessed with our worship.

Jesus be the center of it all

When your girlies are all in a different phase of life from you, suddenly it feels like there's no one to talk to.

It's all in God's time. 

"Revival starts from transformation, total transformation of the heart through the word."

"You can't have a ministry without praying for it. If you're not praying, don't do ministry."

My two takeaways from R1 that were a smack to my face. 

Set a fire to my soul,

That I can't continue, 

That I can't control.

I want more of you Lord. 

Jesus I believe in you, Jesus I belong to you. 

You're the reason that I live, the REASON  that I SING, 

With all I am

Happy 21st Alexia

Just came home from my cousin's (Mona's side) 21st party. Really nice and small party with a lovely cake from Paris Baguette. 

Oh, it's little Kayden's (my nephew) birthday as well. 

      

Feeling tired from all of today's event.. 

WHY ARE MY PICTURES SO BLUR D: D: D: D:

Safety and Protection

#15 Thank You God for keeping my friend and I safe from the malfunction escalator

I know I've repeated this story countless of times, but I do need to note it down for future references and reminder of His protection over my friend, myself and the others who were taking the escalator.

#16 Thank God for my first ice skating experience.

I've always been jealous of those who skate really well, and have always wanted or dreamt to be an ice skater. I'd turned down ice skating or any skating outings in the past because of my mom's disapproval. Not that my mom's not cool or anything, just that she had a sister who died young while skating, and thus the fear of us experiencing the same thing. So after almost 20 long years, I've finally been able to realise that dream :)


Dear heart and mind,

Be still.

Procrastination procrastinate

Haven't been the best of students in the past week despite my upcoming deadline. To which I realise that I can't do anything else if this one assignment is not checked off my to do list. So tonight, by hook or by crook. I'll finish 90% of what I'm suppose to do...

#14 Thank God for extension of assignment deadline

Meanwhile, to clear my head of irrelevant stuff and to channel all focus and energy to finishing my assignment.

Think lil bro's asleep. Time to get cracking.

Date to note of: 19 May Pentecostal Sunday - I became a soldier. Will write more bout why the decision made next time.

"In the stillness, in the quiet I know you are God."

What I've been experiencing gave a whole new meaning to this line.  

Let this be a reminder to myself. 

God gives us better than what we provide ourselves

Men took leaves to cover themselves, but God gave them animal skin clothes.

We always try to make things work for ourselves by ourselves, but when God does it for us, He gives it better..

A reminder from my friend to not do things the human way

Gift of friendship

#13 Thank God for Carissa

I always cherish and look forward to my dinner dates with Carissa. Really thank God for putting someone of similar experiences in my life.

I always feel comfortable with her sharing with her about my honest feelings towards anything. Lets just say it's hard for me to find someone I can totally entrusts a secret to and Carissa is someone who I can do so.

During Each dinner date, other than us complaining bout life and sharing bout our walk with God, to which we would be very honest about, will always turn out with a new learning point and a great encouragement for both of us. So I really wanna thank God for allowing to realise yet again a blessing in my life that he has plan from the very first day.

On an additional note, today's weather was gorgeous. Good for sleeping in lol

We laugh, we talk, and we snore

Spent last night at my cousins. It's been a long long long time since I slept over at her place, since they got together and camp and everything else that has happened. It was really nice chatting about everything with her till we were both too sleepy to talk. I think both of us chatted till close to 4 last night..

Learning to put away my insecurities and to trust. That's a first step.

#13 Thank God for the opportunity to spend quality time with my cousin.

Hopes and ambition

With the recent passing of veteran "ah ge" Huang Wen Yong, it really made me wonder how can someone be so passionate, hardworking, serious and in love with his job for over 30 years?

The love he had for his job is something I really admire and I wanna be just like him. To do something I'm really passionate about, giving it my all. sure there'll be tough times but ill always be wearing a smile on my face. Will I ever come to that?

There are two dreams that I hold now:
1) to work with children (children missionary)
2) to someday own a little cosy cafe

My dad said that humans must have dreams and only with dreams will they work towards that goal and then succeed in life. My stand? Humans who achieve their goals without God will not succeed for long.

#12 Thank you Lord for hopes, dreams and ambitions. Help me to be part of your plan and not yours in mine

Just one of those days....

There always comes a point in life where I really do not know what I'm doing with my life...

Getting tired of living by the rules and just wanting to live the day by itself and waste my day away doing nothing. Procrastination never fails to triumph over deadlines and submissions. I really need to get a hold of myself, soon.

It feels like things will start to crumble. Is this what it means to live on the edge. I need to snap out of it before it gets too out of control.

Need to find myself back to the time of spiritual discipline and thirst.

Pain in my lower jaw is not helping me to sleep so I guess I'll just keep thinking till I tire myself to sleep..

Baking at Lynn's

#11 Thank God for the very hospitable Lynn :))

#10 Thank God for the lovely weather this late morning

#8 Thanks God for Julie and Wee Shun and our fellowship together

#9 Thanks God for nice managing staff :)

The Nature of God's Love

Sometimes when life gets discouraging, the best thing we can do is remind ourselves of the nature of God's love.

One of the most beautiful things the Bible says is that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us (see Romans 5:8). He did not wait for us to deserve His love. He loves us unconditionally. To be honest, that's hard for many of us to comprehend because we are so accustomed to having to earn everything in life.

Because of His great, wonderful and intense love for us, God poured His life out for us freely. That is revolutionary love, real, revolutionary love that gives itself away because it can never be satisfied doing anything less.

It is God's unconditional love that draws us to Him, His amazing grace that erases our sin, and His powerful sacrifice that makes a way for us to enter His presence. His love will never quit, never give up, and never leave you. Whenever you feel down or depressed, remember the great love that God has for you

Prayer Starter: God, Your love overwhelms me. Even when I don't feel like it, I know that Your love never quits. You gave Your all for me, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that You love me.

- Joyce Meyer daily devotional

Never too late

#7 Thank you God for that apology I've waited to hear for almost 8 years.

That one apology could really lift all the past hurts away.

#8 Thank you God for turning something I dreaded into one with a surprising ending.

~~~

Ah ma's been diagnosed with last stage of dementia. I can't help but to feel a sense of guilt, like I had a part to her state of initial dementia. A series of what-if's keep flashing in my head: "What if I had spoken to her more when she was still in a clear state of mind? What if I had spend more time with her in her room?" What if, what if, a lot of what ifs... 

But I remember, the what if's are not thoughts from God, and that they are from the devil. Sure, I hadn't done those things, but Ah ma's not mine. She's God's and I just pray that even in her senile state she'll remember that there's this BIG God that loves her. I can only pray...

The other day it crossed my mind that I had always complained bout her, and seldom praises for her comes out. Well, Ah ma may be the empress dowager at home, but she ultimately has a kind heart and her curry's the best ever. I kinda missed her teasing me, asking me when I was going to get married, and her laugh and her smile. 

God, do with her whatever you want 'cos I know she's in great hands. Till the day she returns home with you, help me to be a better grand daughter. 

Not the best photo, but nevertheless :')

Rain, cycle and zombies

#5 Thank God for leading worship

(haven't felt this way in a while)

#6 Thank God for the rain, the cycling and the fellowship :))

It's been a tiring but awesome day. Gonna go dream about living zombies now...

Yurong's zombie preparation look

Let the little ones come near

Went to visit huimin today again :) I could just stare at the little one forever...

A lil encouragement

#4 Thank God for the people who bother.

Lord, I'm amazed by you. How you love me~

Father, please watch over my grandma and set your healing hands upon her. In Jesus' name, amen

A string of thanksgivings

We can go only so far in any human relationship. If we go beyond godly wisdom, we will likely be hurt. It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that some people will never hurt us, only to be disappointed when they don't live up to those standards. No one's perfect.

The good news is that God is perfect and will not disappoint. He is always loving and good. Don't give trust to people that belongs to God, but rather, give yourself completely to Him. He alone is trustworthy.

Prayer: God, no human is perfect, but You are. I won't give the kind of trust to people that only belongs to You. You will not disappoint. I find comfort today in Your perfection.
- Joyce Meyers devotional

#2 Thank God for opportunity to teach Yu en

#3 Thank God for the creation of life

Hey again

I guess I've been pretty wary of what to put up online, where to channel my thoughts and such. There'll come a day when my brain will be too small to contain all that's inside, and hence the post.

One thing at a time... Maybe I should will embark on this new mission to thank God for one thing everyday.

So starting of with this first thanksgiving.

#1 Thank God for Keyboard lessons. It's been an amazing 5-months or so.

Gonna get my brains busy, and get started with things I've set out to do. This will take my mind of wandering thoughts, and maybe kick-start my discipline to do everything. I've been getting too lazy with things...

My walls are up, but it'll be down again, eventually. By God's grace.